the litter box is behind the two red folding chairs in our front yard. it has clean litter and a fresh liner, so PLEASE DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN LITTER, OR LINER. I CANNOT STAND THAT PINE “ORGANIC” CRAP!

you will ring my doorbell 4 times in the afternoon of the agreed upon day.

i will watch from a distance, to make certain you live up to your end of the bargain. THIS IS THE ONLY REASON because i am not a voyeur.

there will be toilet paper and a garden hose available just in case.

i will drop $20 through the mail slot after you finish and ring the doorbell one final time.

WE WILL HAVE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.

if you have done this before i am open to negotiation.

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE NOT A SEX PROFESSIONAL

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: $20 USD

Yeah, this is a re-post, but I thought I would try for the yay area. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—this is basically the best Craigslist template, ever.

Built by renowned architect 200found, this home is one of the most unique in the area. At one time it was a featured home on the Minecraft Street of Dreams, an annual luxury home tour. Tucked away in a quiet server of TheShizz County, this elegant home will take your breath away.

This home includes an open design, loft library and workshop, a greatroom with stunning views from its wraparound decks and ready access to nearby mines, lava, and water. The property requires no maintenance or watering, featuring native oaks, stone and obsidian. Sheep often graze beside the house and a fence keeps most creepers and zombies at bay. The front door is reached via an elevated bridge structure that passes through the oaks.

Other amenities include:

• Swimming pond connected via wooden waterway
• Vaulted mushroom ceilings and floors
• Reinforced cobblestone columns
• Lava defense system
• Treasure room
• Lovely wildlife views
• Integrated and tasteful lighting throughout

Neighborhood: TheShizz server has always boasted a family friendly community with plenty to do! The house is close to an underground farm and mob spawner and its many recreational activities nearby. There is easy access to the nearby river trail, a wishing well, underground ravine for hunting and mining, and even a public portal to the Nether!

• Location: TheShizz
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Want the joy of a houseplant but are too dark to have living things? Have a busy schedule and don’t have time to feed or water your existing plants?

HOLY CRAP DO I HAVE THE PLANT FOR YOU

This ficus was lovingly trained and starved but now it needs a better home—I am currently unemployed and am tempted to water it.

If you are interested we also have two orchids available.

Pots not included.

We’re sorry to see you leave! Please help us improve by telling us why you are leaving and what we can do better. This survey is optional but your feedback is much appreciated. Please tell us why you’re leaving:

I am doing it partly because I don’t have time for so many social networks, and partly out of protest.

I don’t have time for Google Plus. I already don’t have time for Facebook, but i still post and comment there because it reads my posts from Twitter, which I scarcely have time for. I may rejoin Plus at that point, but the communication will be one-way.

I do it out of protest because of how Google is seeking to require real identites on their services. Anonymity and pseudonymity are vital to political discourse, human rights, whistleblowing, humor, and more. “Real users are worth more to our advertisers” is not reasoning that is compatible with my ethical framework.

—200found, a longtime user, fan, and developer.

This skull has served me well as a focus for my villainy and misdeeds, but I am retiring and must part with it.

It is not enchanted or cursed. It is about the size of your fist (not my barbarian, ham-fists).

Her name is “Ginger”.

Evil types, only. Union-preferred. no vampires or clerics, please.

Please include a brief description of your villany and I will pass them on to Ginger for judgment.

UPDATE: Included is the correspondence from “Juan”:

looking to pick up the skull for my pirate fish tank decoration were you located if you still have it

Hello Juan. Ginger does not view the bottom of a fish tank as a place of honor. Thank you anyway.

—Brad

its a fucking school made of shit that goes on your arm when broke get a life dude

Juan, I’m afraid your message was not well-received by Ginger. She alternated between annoyance about how you ignored the specific requests in the ad, confusion about your mysterious phrasing, and anger about your overall tone. But I assure you, her requests for me to start a dark ritual involving Lord Satan (praise be to Him) at the suggestion she live a life covered with fish poop has been ignored.

—Brad

you need jesus in your life nicca head torwards some light and leave behind your holiday frights for halloween buddy its only 2 months away woooooosaaaaaaaa,reapeat with ginger woooooosssaaaaaaaaa

Hello again, Juan. I am not certain who Jesus of Nicca is, however, I looked up your name in the union records, and practicing the dark arts (specifically chanting) without a license or membership in the greater union can get you in a lot of trouble, ESPECIALLY around Hallows Eve.

As for your advice regarding light, that is a mere cantrip, and are at-will.

—Brad

UPDATE: Justen pays me a compliment.

This would look good on my dresser I can pick it up later today

Hi Justen. Your last name sounds fairly evil. Can you please confirm for Ginger, perhaps with a tale of a dastardly deed? Thanks in advance!

—Brad

 Dude I just want the skull cuz it looks cool but you are downright fuckin weird so never mind

Hi Justen. Thank you for the compliment. As the ad stated, I was looking for an evil home for Ginger. Thanks anyway!

—Brad

More, later.

I don’t know the right way to describe this aspect of me, but I like to cause trouble, to push boundaries, to tinker. When I play games, I like to understand what the developer had in mind, because I have been involved in game development—it’s interesting to me.

Every week or so, I get to play Grand Theft Auto IV (I don’t own a console), and in that game, every vehicle has a certain, fixed amount of damage it can take. Certain parts of the vehicles take more damage than others, certain ones less. Me and my friend Brandon have discovered that the front of the bus is nearly invulnerable.

Fluke or not, “death bus” is the perfect vehicle to go on a 1-3 star rampage through the city. As long as you can avoid people shooting at you or otherwise damaging your rear, you are effectively invincible.

As you might imagine, this makes for an amusing session.

The police can not stop you if you ram them: their own cars will explode before even come close to stopping Death Bus.

I recommend changing views and slowing the action down. This resulted in the most surreal Death Bus moment: with the Bossa Nova jazz station playing, Brandon drove the “America’s Next Top Hooker: It’s Back” Death Bus behind a cop who was walking through a park, spinning his baton. The view changed such that the bus looked like a shark off in the distance.

We have yet to destroy Death Bus by frontal collision. Please let me know if you have managed this.

A student said to Zen Master Ichu, “Please write for me something of great wisdom.”

Master Ichu picked up his brush and wrote one word: “Attention.”

The student said, “Is that all?”

The master wrote: “Attention. Attention.”

The student became irritable. “That doesn’t seem profound or subtle to me.”

In response, Master Ichu wrote: “Attention. Attention. Attention.”

In frustration, the student demanded, “What does this word ‘attention’ mean?”

Master Ichu replied, “Attention means attention.”

On those rare occasions I do entertain, I like to make sure there is some form of tea available, be it Chinese, chai, milk tea, or sweet tea. If I am running low on loose tea to serve or am craving something sweet, I like to make a batch of this.

1. Measure out a quart (4 cups) of fresh water, and bring to a boil.
2. Add 3 teaspoons or 3 bags of black tea. I prefer an Assam/oil of bergamot blend. If you’re looking for bulk, I recommend your local Asian food store. I buy my nice tea from Teaspring.com
3. Optional: To reduce the caffeine, pour the water out and steep again with fresh water and the same tea.
4. Stir in 3/4 to 1 cup of sugar. Unprocessed sugar will taste less bitter than cane sugar.
5. Listen: add a pinch of baking soda to take away the bitterness and clarify the tea. This is very important!
6. Let steep for about 3-5 minutes or until it’s as dark as you like.
7. Remove the tea. If you use bags, don’t squeeze them.
8. Serve over ice or refrigerate for a stronger tea.
9. Add a sprig of mint or rosemary and a squeeze of lemon.

If you have any suggested improvements, please let me know!

I often have a hard time answering the question “why Buddhism?” This morning, I woke up with an insight: Zen is housecleaning for your mind.

I don’t generally dream. While I sleep, I think my brain instead just crunches thoughts I’ve pondered throughout the day while it is the least distracted.

I am going to attempt to elaborate on this answer throughout the week.

FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE CONSIDERATION

One, large, neutered, all-white, 13-year-old male cat with all his shots. Responds to “The White Kitty” and is in good health and fine temperament, with a few minor exceptions.

This cat meows like a broken, skipping record. Even after you feed him, change his litter and water, pet him, and keep him warm, he will not relent. It may seem completely random, but I assure you that his method is your madness.

A mild stroke has caused this cat’s head to slightly tilt to one side, like an owl looking around a corner. It does not seem to adversely impact him, though it has earned him the nickname “Crooked-head Panther-face.”

The White Kitty displays affection with snot. He will show his appreciation for all your food and warmth and petting by sneezing directly into your face and on everything you value. Books, personal electronics, food, clothes… everything is fair game for his love and he will love you.

If your legs have a tendency to cramp, it is not advisable to allow him access to your bedroom. He lives for the warmth between your legs and will find his way under your covers to secure this strategic position. He particularly enjoys sleeping with people and has no qualms about watching or interrupting any bedroom activities, especially at 4am: his preferred feeding time.

The White Kitty is connoisseur of human flavors. He will enjoy licking your arm, face, foot, and head at all times of the day. At the end of the day, when he is relatively silent, he will spend a great deal of time licking, munching and otherwise loudly chewing on himself with very little shame.

I recommend installing a pet door for the cat to enter and exit your house. Otherwise, this cat will wait in the door frame for minutes, deciding if he really wants to venture out.

Food he will snub, toys he does not play with, and litter he will scatter everywhere are included.

NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES

A 50-year-old troublemaker from the UK. He had an intense fondness for Mudkips.

I was just now informed that ODB finally committed suicide. We weren’t too close, but I’d like to say a few words.

He was a good guy to me; always helpful, funny, and nice. He showed me around Encyclopedia Dramatica so I wouldn’t look like a fool, and taught me how to use wikis. He gave me good advice during some internet drama I’m not particularly proud of.

After I gave up internet trolling, he recommended the work of Dalai Lama, during our discussions on Buddhism and the nature of suffering. This was extremely important to me because I was on an atheist streak, and wrote off Tibetan Buddhism as being too ritualistic to be of value. Little did I know!

His pending suicide was no great secret on ED; it’s been “a quarter ‘til midnight” for awhile now. He may have been an internet troll, but he was a hell of a guy. I am glad he is no longer suffering. Goodnight, sweet prince.

For some reason, people love to shout at me while I walk home from work. Maybe it’s my height or my new beard, or that I’m read-walking, but today I managed to interrupt them with loud laughter. It was just quick enough that I could see their reply expression.

Friend Shawna taught me a similar technique for dealing with obnoxious drivers: get everyone else in the car to slowly do the queen’s wave until they are no longer in visual range. It’s the disarming, creepy opposite of road rage.

Greetings, fellow caretakers, librarians, intellectuals, and members of bannedbooksweek.org. I am writing to encourage you to remove any mention of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye from your list, campaign, and website, so future generations of students may be saved from the chore of reading this “classic.”

While it’s a classic in the sense that it is widely distributed, it’s a chore, an offline MySpace blog about a self-absorbed, obnoxious twit. To clarify, I don’t believe the book should be banned. No, that was exactly the cause of its fame, and why I was subjected to it during my youth. It should be ignored as poor literature, relinquished to a dusty shelf to rot in the forgotten library of our inattention.

As a teenager, I recall it was banned because of the extensive use of curse words, in particular, “fuck,” and every time I attempt to re-read it, that exact word comes to mind. As in, “why the fuck am I reading this again, this is the third fucking time?” or “J.D.-fucking-Salinger would not have had a career if this fucking book was not banned.”

Please pardon my coarse language. My inner voice is often quite harsh in regards to this particular topic.

While I doubt my request will be seriously considered, please at least take the time to re-read it for yourselves to verify my claim, or read it for the first time. Then proceed on to something more rewarding. Personally, I am poring through a wonderfully-illustrated copy of Twain’s The Innocents Abroad, which I highly recommend. I wish I was forced to read Twain as a teenager, instead of Salinger. Perhaps I would have started on the classics, sooner.

Finally, I don’t blame you for your well-intentioned and largely positive campaign. I just wish my former teacher had chosen chosen a different book from your list.

Thank you for your consideration.