| — | Miranda July, from the archived “Learning to love you more” project. |
“Do you believe a man should be penalized for success?”
I have been asked variants of this question by my Libertarian friends and acquaintances for a long time. This is a rhetorical answer to that simplistic question.
I liken the successful man to an ivy. Now I’m from the northern states, where ivy is a beautiful accent, but if you let it, it will cover your trees and take over your yard. Ivy has specialized to grow rapidly, and requires planning, frequent pruning, and lots of guiding. If an ivy could be imbued with human characteristics, I have no doubt it would be furious about being held back, limited, penalized. But as a gardener, I know that there are other plants in the garden that I must make space for, that have evolved in different ways.
When people ask me “the Socialist question”, they’re assuming that all measures and forms of success are equivalent, and that I want to live in a homogenous society. They assume I want to grow a garden of ivy, because clearly ivy is the best.
I don’t fault ivy for what it is—indeed, it is a lovely and stately plant—but all plants are not ivy, nor is ivy all plants in my garden. A “society of ivy-success” will have little or no value of art, spirituality, science, or knowledge, except as a means to that definition of success, that end.
“The Moon was crying.” That’s what I told my 6-year-old son as we marched into the Ogallala tunnels when the debris started falling, and the sky was filled with endless meteor trails. We wouldn’t see the surface for another 3 years, and by then, the Kansas landscape was red and unrecognizable. Forget “the Dust Bowl”—this is a rock bowl. Few really speak of the asteroid mines and the explosion—I mean, not much we can do to change the past, right? Well sure, The Prophets do, but their caravan doesn’t pass through that often, anymore.
Many have struck out to resettle, but we are staying in the caverns, where water is still plentiful, for the moment. I have a new desalinizer concept I think will enable us to expand farther West, possibly towards the Grand Canyon. Besides, Mark is getting comfortable in the school, and I don’t want to subject him to life in those caravans. In a way, I’m glad that Mark was too young to remember his family back East. I’ve heard terrible stories of tsunamis and floods and… sigh and what /was/ a job relocation in hard times turned out to be close call and a fresh start. It hurts, but I have to think of the future. Who knows, maybe when Mark settles down and I retire, I’ll join those caravans and try to find some answers…
| — | Alan “Lefty” Berkowitz, citizen of Ogallala Cavern, survivor of The Fall |
you will ring my doorbell 4 times in the afternoon of the agreed upon day.
i will watch from a distance, to make certain you live up to your end of the bargain. THIS IS THE ONLY REASON because i am not a voyeur.
there will be toilet paper and a garden hose available just in case.
i will drop $20 through the mail slot after you finish and ring the doorbell one final time.
WE WILL HAVE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
if you have done this before i am open to negotiation.
IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE NOT A SEX PROFESSIONAL
Yeah, this is a re-post, but I thought I would try for the yay area. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—this is basically the best Craigslist template, ever.
This home includes an open design, loft library and workshop, a greatroom with stunning views from its wraparound decks and ready access to nearby mines, lava, and water. The property requires no maintenance or watering, featuring native oaks, stone and obsidian. Sheep often graze beside the house and a fence keeps most creepers and zombies at bay. The front door is reached via an elevated bridge structure that passes through the oaks.
Other amenities include:
Neighborhood: TheShizz server has always boasted a family friendly community with plenty to do! The house is close to an underground farm and mob spawner and its many recreational activities nearby. There is easy access to the nearby river trail, a wishing well, underground ravine for hunting and mining, and even a public portal to the Nether!
Want the joy of a houseplant but are too dark to have living things? Have a busy schedule and don’t have time to feed or water your existing plants?
HOLY CRAP DO I HAVE THE PLANT FOR YOU
This ficus was lovingly trained and starved but now it needs a better home—I am currently unemployed and am tempted to water it.
If you are interested we also have two orchids available.
Pots not included.
I am doing it partly because I don’t have time for so many social networks, and partly out of protest.
I don’t have time for Google Plus. I already don’t have time for Facebook, but i still post and comment there because it reads my posts from Twitter, which I scarcely have time for. I may rejoin Plus at that point, but the communication will be one-way.
I do it out of protest because of how Google is seeking to require real identites on their services. Anonymity and pseudonymity are vital to political discourse, human rights, whistleblowing, humor, and more. “Real users are worth more to our advertisers” is not reasoning that is compatible with my ethical framework.
—200found, a longtime user, fan, and developer.
| — | Zach |
This skull has served me well as a focus for my villainy and misdeeds, but I am retiring and must part with it.
It is not enchanted or cursed. It is about the size of your fist (not my barbarian, ham-fists).
Her name is “Ginger”.
Evil types, only. Union-preferred. no vampires or clerics, please.
Please include a brief description of your villany and I will pass them on to Ginger for judgment.
UPDATE: Included is the correspondence from “Juan”:
looking to pick up the skull for my pirate fish tank decoration were you located if you still have it
Hello Juan. Ginger does not view the bottom of a fish tank as a place of honor. Thank you anyway.
—Brad
its a fucking school made of shit that goes on your arm when broke get a life dude
Juan, I’m afraid your message was not well-received by Ginger. She alternated between annoyance about how you ignored the specific requests in the ad, confusion about your mysterious phrasing, and anger about your overall tone. But I assure you, her requests for me to start a dark ritual involving Lord Satan (praise be to Him) at the suggestion she live a life covered with fish poop has been ignored.
—Brad
you need jesus in your life nicca head torwards some light and leave behind your holiday frights for halloween buddy its only 2 months away woooooosaaaaaaaa,reapeat with ginger woooooosssaaaaaaaaa
Hello again, Juan. I am not certain who Jesus of Nicca is, however, I looked up your name in the union records, and practicing the dark arts (specifically chanting) without a license or membership in the greater union can get you in a lot of trouble, ESPECIALLY around Hallows Eve.
As for your advice regarding light, that is a mere cantrip, and are at-will.
—Brad
UPDATE: Justen pays me a compliment.
This would look good on my dresser I can pick it up later today
Hi Justen. Your last name sounds fairly evil. Can you please confirm for Ginger, perhaps with a tale of a dastardly deed? Thanks in advance!
—Brad
Dude I just want the skull cuz it looks cool but you are downright fuckin weird so never mind
Hi Justen. Thank you for the compliment. As the ad stated, I was looking for an evil home for Ginger. Thanks anyway!
—Brad
More, later.
I don’t know the right way to describe this aspect of me, but I like to cause trouble, to push boundaries, to tinker. When I play games, I like to understand what the developer had in mind, because I have been involved in game development—it’s interesting to me.
Every week or so, I get to play Grand Theft Auto IV (I don’t own a console), and in that game, every vehicle has a certain, fixed amount of damage it can take. Certain parts of the vehicles take more damage than others, certain ones less. Me and my friend Brandon have discovered that the front of the bus is nearly invulnerable.
Fluke or not, “death bus” is the perfect vehicle to go on a 1-3 star rampage through the city. As long as you can avoid people shooting at you or otherwise damaging your rear, you are effectively invincible.
As you might imagine, this makes for an amusing session.
The police can not stop you if you ram them: their own cars will explode before even come close to stopping Death Bus.
I recommend changing views and slowing the action down. This resulted in the most surreal Death Bus moment: with the Bossa Nova jazz station playing, Brandon drove the “America’s Next Top Hooker: It’s Back” Death Bus behind a cop who was walking through a park, spinning his baton. The view changed such that the bus looked like a shark off in the distance.
We have yet to destroy Death Bus by frontal collision. Please let me know if you have managed this.
A student said to Zen Master Ichu, “Please write for me something of great wisdom.”
Master Ichu picked up his brush and wrote one word: “Attention.”
The student said, “Is that all?”
The master wrote: “Attention. Attention.”
The student became irritable. “That doesn’t seem profound or subtle to me.”
In response, Master Ichu wrote: “Attention. Attention. Attention.”
In frustration, the student demanded, “What does this word ‘attention’ mean?”
Master Ichu replied, “Attention means attention.”
On those rare occasions I do entertain, I like to make sure there is some form of tea available, be it Chinese, chai, milk tea, or sweet tea. If I am running low on loose tea to serve or am craving something sweet, I like to make a batch of this.
If you have any suggested improvements, please let me know!
One, large, neutered, all-white, 13-year-old male cat with all his shots. Responds to “The White Kitty” and is in good health and fine temperament, with a few minor exceptions.
This cat meows like a broken, skipping record. Even after you feed him, change his litter and water, pet him, and keep him warm, he will not relent. It may seem completely random, but I assure you that his method is your madness.
A mild stroke has caused this cat’s head to slightly tilt to one side, like an owl looking around a corner. It does not seem to adversely impact him, though it has earned him the nickname “Crooked-head Panther-face.”
The White Kitty displays affection with snot. He will show his appreciation for all your food and warmth and petting by sneezing directly into your face and on everything you value. Books, personal electronics, food, clothes… everything is fair game for his love and he will love you.
If your legs have a tendency to cramp, it is not advisable to allow him access to your bedroom. He lives for the warmth between your legs and will find his way under your covers to secure this strategic position. He particularly enjoys sleeping with people and has no qualms about watching or interrupting any bedroom activities, especially at 4am: his preferred feeding time.
The White Kitty is connoisseur of human flavors. He will enjoy licking your arm, face, foot, and head at all times of the day. At the end of the day, when he is relatively silent, he will spend a great deal of time licking, munching and otherwise loudly chewing on himself with very little shame.
I recommend installing a pet door for the cat to enter and exit your house. Otherwise, this cat will wait in the door frame for minutes, deciding if he really wants to venture out.
Food he will snub, toys he does not play with, and litter he will scatter everywhere are included.
NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES
Anonymous